It's Got Real Hair

Its Got Real Hair

Is That Real Fur?

For the longest time, I have been asking myself why there isn’t more of an offering in the virtual sex department.

There’s certainly a market for it.  Wii and Apple need to get their shit together, get themselves sat down at a conference table, and hammer that out.  Don’t you think so?  Even if you’re not into sex toys, it’s got to be an idea that would work.

The technology is there.  Engineers, notorious for not getting laid with normal human beings, would have had to already come up with the necessary widgets.

So why don’t they have it yet?

iDong.  iSnatch.  iRam.

Maybe I need to apply for a new job.

Anyway, so while I was waiting for the bus that takes me to the place that slowly dissolves my soul in the hairy acid of corporate iniquity, I was doing what I usually do:  thinking about sex.  And this topic came up.

Then I started thinking about how unfair it is, really, that men in general have such a high sex drive, in comparison to most women, and yet there is a dearth of suitable sex toys for those of us with penii.

What is available are sticky novelty items, to be used once and then tossed away.

Given this lack of fundamental alone-time toys for men, I do in part understand why there is no iPussy.

Have you ever been to a sex shop?  Of course you have.  We all have.  What do they have there, by way of toys?  Think of the variety of dildos, vibrators and strap-ons available at your local sex shop.  Then, the next time you’re there, go and try to find a fake vagina.

If you can find one – and at most places you can’t – take a good look at it.  The only ones I have found, even online, look like half a loaf of half-baked bread.

The only one I saw in real life was in a box. On the front of the box was the blurb:

“New!  With lifelike hair!”

Because this is the selling point of the whole wad of plastic.  Not “it feels just like a real pussy” or “easy clean up” but “it’s got real hair!”

There is a reason that they call pubic hair a secondary sex characteristic.  It’s because it’s secondary to sex.  It’s because it’s an afterthought.  It was put there by evolution so bald monkeys could recognize who was most likely fertile, and who most likely was not.

And look! It’s only 129.99!

I am not fucking kidding. Fake pussy costs more than real pussy.  Fake pussy is expensive.  But it’s got real hair.

Can you imagine going out to buy a dildo – I KNOW they have them with balls on them, too – and having the selling point of the shaft be the hair dangling off off the nuts at the end of it?  Who in the hell would buy that?  Exactly.

It sucks to be a man. Sure, we earn more and we can stand up while pissing, but what else is out there for us? After we’re now expected to help with the household, listen when spoken to, show our emotions and care for our children?

Fake pussies with real hair.


Sincerely Yours

Wag the Dad

Well, I was waiting for the bus.  Standing there thinking.  Here’s more thinking for you:

You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Sleeping

You Will Eat Your Lunch Naked

Faking Orgasms Should Be Unconstitutional


  1. $129.99? Shit. . .I’ve been overcharging.

  2. Truthful Mommy says:

    Wait!so bush is a selling point? I thought hair went out with disco. I’ve been lied to!
    Also, Ive been told that there are these things called fleshlights that are supposed to be really life like. I also happen to know that there are men’s toys modeled after porn stars’ hoohas . Of course that’s all rumour, as I would never frequent a joint that specializes in Michael Nin productions.ahem.
    I’m thinking you may need to start driving to work.devils playground and all that nonsense:) lol

  3. ummm where in the fuck do they get that real hair from?

  4. About 7 months ago I blogged that technology sales sucked unless you were selling iPussy! I was right!

  5. I’m still pondering the grammar in the penii sentence. Go ahead – just tell me. Do you have more than one penis? MUST know!

  6. Whatever happened to being content with a plastic baggy full of lotion placed between the mattress and box spring? Pubic hair is so ’70s anyway… what a waste.

  7. I’m on your side with this one. I’ve never understood the dearth of male sex toys. Although, I wonder if it has something to do with men having an easier time finding prostitutes? If a woman is unbangable, she’s stuck with sex toys because male hookers that do women are thin on the ground.

    I can’t explain the hair thing. My first thought would be so it feels more real, but how is a disembodied pussy ever going to feel more real? The whole concept is problematic.

    • Yeah, I guess it’s so it feels real or something, but you’re right. How can you make something that looks like a half-baked loaf of bread in the synthetic version look more real?

  8. That is some damn expensive pussy.
    I’ve been in a (shamefully) high number of sex stores in my life, and I’ll have you know that I’ve encountered a surprisingly high number of fake pussies. They even have them in the shape of famous pornstars… and like you’ve pointed out, some with real hair!! They also sell dildos with hairy balls, and those things really freak me out.
    Chances are, if you’re fucking a fake vagina, you probably know it’s fake, so who are you trying to fool with the hair? God?

    Oh, and 1 word: Fleshlight.

  9. Won’t be a fake Latina then…. I mean, with the hair and all. Is there a razor included? (A friend of mine wanted me to ask you this.)

  10. I don’t know. At least no one makes a fist that you see for the first time at 18 and then feel all horrified that there are people in this life who want to be fisted so bad that they actually buy a gigantic rubber fist. I feel like knowing about fisting at such a young age was much worse than maybe not having dildos.

  11. At least I’m not the only one sitting around thinking about sex when I get bored. ;)

  12. It does seem unfair. No argument from me.

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