It's Time To Get In Shape For The Apocalypse

time get in shape apocalypse

The Horse

This is my first post via the app on my iPhone. Because I’m in Germany. For work. Deal.

I have decided this saggy-titted fat business has gone on long enough. Yesterday I discovered, not for the first time, that I have developed a flab fold between my tits and the top of my belly. I’ve never really had an ass, but I also recently discovered cellulite down there.

Cellulite. On a man. A man who isn’t even morbidly obese yet.

Motherfucker. I’m so out of shape and gross I would have to get back into shape before I could go out whoring.

So I’m going to do it. Become shapely again. Not so I can solicit women of the night.

It’s because the apocalypse is coming, people. The horsemen are a-ridin’.

This is the year. I’m going to have to fight. Maybe kill. You know, for food? And to protect my family?

And that misshapen mass I saw in the hotel mirror last night?

He’s going down with the first run.

Sincerely Yours

Wag the Dad

How are you going to survive the apocalypse? Any ideas?

Comments

  1. I missed you you fat bitch! Anyway I am currently leg pressing 81kg. That’s a fuck tonne for a chick. I am hoping to be up 100 by December. SO I can running fuck kick doors of their hinges & basically anything that gets in my way. Failing that I’m stabbing with a rusty bicycle spoke straight to the heart of the enemy. I can’t wait!!

    My personal trainer made me do a thousand squats on Tuesday arvo (first gym session in 3 weeks) & I currently can’t walk because eveytime I do my quads collapse into a heap of sissy bitch epic fail muscle. So I’m crawling everywhere. This kinda sucks when you need to go to the bank. You get gravel & cigarette butts in your giant vortex cleavage. Don’t ever look down there ay. You will never return.

    The festive season destroyed me. I’m pretty sure I’m rockin cellulite on my chins? I didn’t even know you could get that there?

    Welcome back sir x

    • Thanks Bex! I missed you, too. I am such a fat bitch. Yesterday I heard my gay neighbors having sex. I had to say that. GOD I hope they’re not reading this. I assume not, since they don’t speak English. Not that there’s anything WRONG with them having sex next door in their new hot tub on the terrace. It’s just that I heard it and it kind of turned me off.

      Anyway, don’t hurt your cleavage doing all that crawling. Nothing is worth hurting the cleavage.

  2. I too would like to be in shape for the apocalypse. But its cold outside and well brrr…

    So what are you going to do? Maybe I can get more tone just be listening to you tell me what you’re doing to tone up.

    • I’m going to try to run. Today I’m going to walk home from work, about 2 miles. That’s all I think I can muster. I was thinking about push ups, too. Maybe get a gun.

      • I can’t run, too much jiggle and heavy breathing. If I wanted that I’d just get hot and wild with Miss Piggy. Anyway, I think I’ll just start forcing myself to brace the frost and do treadmill, maybe squeeze my thighs, drink some poison.

  3. Husband’s boobies came back this year after a 30 lb loss in 2011. He hates that he has man boobs. I hate that his man boobs are bigger than mine. And to be fair, his man boobs aren’t big at all.

    Life is unfair. Good luck with your program — whatever that may be. And remember… Zombies don’t run that fast. And there is always someone REALLY fat that you can outrun, tits and all.

    • Boobies on men are so gross. And because I think that, I have been cursed with them. Small, yes, but there still. Actually, it’s more like my tits have slid down into my stomach. I guess I need to start benching or something. Sorry, kids. Daddy won’t be around in the evenings anymore.

      Damn kids. It’s their fault I’m out of shape.

  4. Well, I’m counting on being in an urban environment for the apocalypse. So I think the ability to siphon gas and hot-wire a car is what will save my ass. I didn’t say I know how to do these things. I’m just saying it would be HELPFUL.

    Also, I should probably run more. At a speed that would guarantee escaping from something, even if it’s just my ass.

  5. I don’t know, man. You posted that one picture and you were actually kind of adorable.

    But I’m at this point myself. Except actually fat. I’ve been working on this shit for some time, and I’ve lost like 25lbs, which is kinda awesome, but I was recently rereading the Hunger Games books and I realize I’d be fucked in a food-shortage type situation. I’d be blowing trannys for hamburgers and shit.

    • I have no problem dealing with less food. I can do that as long as I have cigarettes. I regularly lose like 20 pounds and then gain it all back over the year, but I usually do that when I have my yearly nervous breakdown and I haven’t had one in…oh…almost a year. Shit.

      Anyway, not planning on having that, so I’ve got an account at fit day, logged in my fat loss plan and shit, and now I am running with it.

      And I appreciate you calling me adorable. I like to be adorable. But if I take off my shirt I am most definitely NOT adorable. I’m not shooting for a six pack or anything. I just want my tits off my stomach.

  6. I plan on drinking coffee every day out of my Wag the Dad mug whilst wearing my Ms. Wag the Dad 2012 shirt and practicing a variety of snarling/growling techniques. Not to brag but I’m pretty skilled in the area of “scary bitchery”. I figure that will be enough.
    Oh, and I occassionally bench press one of my dogs/children.
    P.S. Thanks for the loot- I love it. :)

  7. Dude. The ONLY reason I run is so I can outrun other people during the zombie apocalypse. I didn’t even CONSIDER fighting for food. Time to step that shit up and start some strength training I guess.

    Or maybe I can barter for beer. I can make beer for the apocalypse, right?

    • You can totally make beer for the apocalypse, in fact I plan on making as much alcohol as possible for the apocalypse. That and soap. The only 2 things I know how to make that are chemical-y. I will barter for gunpowder and ecstasy using my soap and crappy beer.

      The only thing is: where do you get your grain from? That’s problematic. Then again, you can ferment anything that has sugar in it, so sky’s the limit.

      • Interestingly enough, at my homebrewers club, a guy randomly came across a 5 gallon BAG of Pace pecante sauce and decided to give it a whirl. He added yeast. It could almost be called beer. Really really bad pink beer.

        He also put a hole in a watermelon, dumped in some yeast, closed it up again and made an amazing concoction that I would actually drink for the apocalypse, provided I had some ice.

        Dude ACTUALLY was preparing for the end of the world by making things ferment.

  8. Wait.. you’re going to barter for gunpowder and ECSTASY???? Where does that fit into the apocalypse survival plan?? Although if you take enough I suppose about eight hours later you could blend seamlessly into the zombie crowd as a form of urban camouflage…..
    I’d already decided that this year I’m returning to my hobby of firebreathing with a vengeance, so I’ll be incorporating that into my survival technique. Nothing distracts a zombie assailant like suddenly finding themselves doused in burning petroleum products. Plus it will come in useful for starting campfires and keeping looters at bay. And despite developing a small amount of breast tissue ( I prefer the term Daddaries) I have a super-fast metabolism which means I can eat like a starving hog and never shift more than about five pounds in weight either way. Yeah, hate away suckers – as you’re becoming steak tartare for some slavering zombie horde I’ll be sure to wave as I sprint past, chain-smoking and munching on a doughnut.

  9. Yay for getting in shape! Those zombies won’t run from themselves.

  10. I’ve been adding about a pound every 2 weeks since my birthday in November. I am cool with the fact that my boobs are coming back, but I could do without the belly it’s causing. I cry, have something junk food like, workout, have a little more junk food, numb myself with wine, and then workout a little more. It’s stupid and ineffective.

    As to making home made booze and trading it for ecstasy… okay and gun powder:
    In the end when we have to repopulate the world and all, the really smart people who are somewhat in shape are going to be all that’s left. What if most of them are really ugly? If that’s part of the equation, I’ll trade you some of wine for a few of those magic pills. I’m going to need a little help getting in the mood.

    • Wine goggles will definitely be a plus in repopulating the world. Sucks to be a woman with unattractive people all around, though, because, you know, we guys generally have lower standards.

  11. Meh, I’m too damned lazy to outrun the zombies. Fortunately I’m also a complete dumbass so they won’t come after my braaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiins…

  12. Don’t you know the Incas had it all wrong. 2012 isn’t going to be the end of the world, just the end of the world as we know it. (no REM pun intended)

    Instead, we are going to revert back to the 60′s full of peace, love, and unprotected group sex with total strangers at open air concerts. Oh, and daisy flowers in our hair.

    So never fear, no need to work out. Just get back to smoking the hooch and maybe take up yoga or tai chi.

    • Yeah, I think that they just said something like “um…when we get here, we’ll do another thousand years.” That’s what I heard. Not the end of the world, just the end of the CALENDER.

      That’s like hanging up your office wall calender for 2012 and saying “Oh, shit the world’s going to end on Jan 31, 2013.”

  13. Oh, silly. Women of the night don’t care how you look! It’s whats in your wallet that counts…

    Or, so I’ve heard. *cough*

  14. Shit. I have been dieting for a week and have lost 6 pounds. So I’ll be a teeny tiny bit faster. However, I am also back to doing Zumba, so if zombie survival has any relevance to doing the Zumba shuffle, then I am your bitch. I can Zumba shuffle like a mofo, yo!

    Why do you think I’m friends with all you armageddon preparedness peeps? You all will keep me safe. Either that or you will outrun me and throw me to the zombies as an offerring. One or the other.

    • The other day I was thinking about how I would disguise the fact that I just barbecued the cats from the kids. Also how many days I would wait to do this. God, I hope the apocalypse comes in the summertime…

  15. Let me know where I can get some of that extra strength motivation. A bit of a pleasant surprise and a motivation killer I lost some pounds in my labour intensive seasonal job. That job has ended and I can see those pounds staring me down from the fridge. Inspire us all, Shane.

    • I have no inspiration, mark. Sorry. My workouts years ago used to be working construction every summer. I could fly for the next 9 months without fear. It’s been fifteen years since I last worked construction, or thereabouts.

  16. I’ve made friends with a lot of fat people so I’ll have plenty to eat after the end comes. When are you coming to visit? LOL

  17. Shane, shane, shane…. I’ve decided that I’m ok with all this weight losing stuff as long as you don’t become some terribly anorexic version of yourself because well, we all know that nipple fat is kind of sexy… be kind to yourself ok… ok… xoxo becca

  18. Seems like you should fatten up for the apocalypse. Food might be scarce. That’s my plan, anyway.

    • I used to agree with that. But then I started thinking about being able to GET food during the apocalypse, and I realized that I was in no shape to fight all the other, stronger, fitter members of my species hanging about.

  19. I had my first ear surgery 3 years ago. Totally ruined me. I was not supposed to lift, bend, stoop, sneeze, blow my nose, strain too hard for a bowel movement, ride a bike, exercise, jog, etc. Basically become a sloth for 4 weeks. I gained 20 lbs and never lost it, (on top of 15 or so that shouldn’t have been there to start with) or got back to my routine of walking, biking and hiking . This past summer was total hibernation and more slothlike behavior while husband had cancer surgically removed and radiated. Had another ear surgery on Dec. 30, but I decided in advance this time to go on a total liquid diet like he was on and lost 30 lbs, but then of course he couldn’t eat. But I was doing it to combat the queasiness of the painkilling drugs and for godsakes, no vomiting allowed or the grafted eardrum would blow out. Wow, I’ve lost 10 lbs in 2 weeks! So, as soon as the doc releases me from slothhood, I’m back on it. I can see my waist again. Of course there is a pooch to deal with, but I’ll work on that. I’m preparing for the apocolypse by stockpiling and hoarding wine. I’ve decided I’m not cut out to be a drug addict. Good luck on your program!

    • The problem with becoming a drug addict is that, although a lot of drugs will give you a lot more energy and equip you for fighting with minimal workout, unless you become a chemist beforehand, eventually you can’t get any drugs and then life is meaningless.

      Shit. Now I have to learn how to grow tobacco.

      Anyway, maybe I’ll try the liquid diet thing. Can you mix that stuff with beer?

  20. The last time I did a bit of running I nearly collapsed and a few weeks later the doctor told me to never run again or I might regret it. No joke. But as for the flap, it could be worse… like THIS!

  21. The only thing I can contribute to the survival of the apocalypse is a compasses, gps,and spotting scopes and binoculars. .. but some how if the world gets turned around magnetic wise we will be screwed because North won’t be north anymore. The scopes and gps might still work and come in handy.

    Looks like I need to hone my sniper and camouflage skills. Forget that losing weight business.. unless you want to make that your camouflage.. you know blend in? Also if I have a rifle and enough ammo I won’t be going hungry due to the fact that I know how to hunt and make fire.

  22. In all the movies I’ve seen zombies look pretty slow. How in shape do we really need to be?

    • I wasn’t worried too much about the zombies. What I was thinking about were the human beings running around trying to steal my shit or whose shit I may have to steal to survive. This whole misrepresentation thing of human beings banding together against zombies/aliens just isn’t realistic. Where I live people can’t even stand in line. When the shit hits the fan, they’re suddenly going to be all noble and shit?

      I think not.

  23. Good for you for getting in shape, my hubsters is working away at dwindling his winter coat (at least that is what he calls it).
    For the end of the world, instead of working out (cause really, its just too much work) I am working on tricking out my Jeep. See I figure if I get a good lift kit on the Jeep, some extra large tires, a good winch on the front and collect all the guns and ammo that can fit into my gun safe….I’ll be set for the Zombie Invasion. The only thing that I am really, really working on – is my ipod mix for the end of the world – cause really if you don’t have some good tunes for the end of the world, then that would just suck.

  24. By having loads of broccoli on hand.

    The apocalypse is going to be a zombie apocalypse, and I have it on good authority that broccoli looks like brains, and zombies are stupid; therefore, I should be able to avoid being killed by zombies by distracting them by tossing broccoli in the opposite direction that I’m running.

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