New Year's Advice for Women

New Year's Advice For Women

Drink in Moderation

2 Things before we get started:

1)  This is advice for what to do and not to do during the celebration of New Year’s Eve.  Not what to do in the New Year. 

I can say one simple thing about that:  don’t fucking do anything.  You know that you’ll stop doing what you planned to do, or start doing again what you planned to stop doing, so why set yourself up for disappointment?

Realism.  Close to godliness.

2)  My New Year’s Eve has been celebrated with children for at least six years now. 

This post is for those of you bastards who still get to go out on New Year’s Eve. 

The ones who, unlike all the people I know in the physical realm, do not yet say ‘oh, nooo, I prefer to spend my new year’s in the company of my family,’ instead opting to get rip-roaring drunk, shoot off fireworks, drink shitloads of vodka and red bull, and do dances involving poles sticking out of bars.

I love you the most.

New Year’s Advice for Women

 

1)  Get a buddy.  Stick with that buddy.  Make sure that buddy is a gay male.

Men are more reliable than women on the buddy side, but only if they are not sexually attracted to you.

If you cannot find a gay male, find a female.  Do not hang out with a heterosexual man.  No matter what, if he agrees to hang out with you the entire night, it’s because he wants to have sex with you.

2)  Make sure that your buddy to you ratio is 1:1. 

You can’t fucking expect your buddy to watch out for your ass if s/he’s got to take care of a bunch of drunken, weepy/barfy/naked bitches.

I will leave you with an example.  This is a true story.  It is here solely to illustrate my point.

Several years ago, back when most of the people I know weren’t chained to their spouses/children in the seven-and-a-halfth level of hell and forced didn’t prefer to stay at home on New Year’s Eve, three friends of mine were sitting in a bar, finishing up the evening, around 4 A.M.

Part I

While they were sitting there, three women came in.  Crying Woman, Drunk Woman, and Sober Woman.  Sober Woman was the babysitter. Did I need to mention that?

Note how clearly rule # 2 has already been violated.  Buddy to friend ratio = 1:2.

My friends noted the entrance, but because the bar was packed, they quickly ignored the three women.  They, after all, were intoxicated, and not really looking for women.  They were looking to get a pizza or, failing that, have another five rounds of tequila and go home and call it a night.

They were quickly reminded of their presence, however, when Drunk Woman sidled up to them and asked them if they want to do shots with her.  Seemingly oblivious of the five rounds of tequila shots already on the table.

So they do a round of shots with her.

Meanwhile, Sober Woman leaves Crying Woman briefly alone at the bar and comes to retrieve Drunk Woman.

“Jennifer, you really need to come over here with me.”

Drunk Woman leaves with Sober Woman, only to return when Crying Woman bolts out the door and Sober Woman follows.

“Do you want to go home with me tonight?” she asks one of my friends.  We’ll call him “Dave.”

“Dave,” thinking this is not such a good idea, says “No.”

Sober Woman and Crying Woman return and retrieve Drunk Woman once again.

Drunk Woman comes back to “Dave”.

“Do you want to go home with me tonight?” she asks “Dave.”

“Dave” is quite drink and not interested in the slightest.  But “Dave” is a guy.  So he is slightly interested.

Especially when the aforementioned scene repeats itself five times.

I am not fucking kidding.  She asked him to go home with her five times.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Drunk Friends #1 and #2 ask “Dave.”

They are concerned that Drunk Woman might be out to get him.  To rob him or otherwise misuse him.  They are also jealous Drunk Woman has not asked them to go home with her.  Also they’re pretty sure “Dave” won’t be able to get it up and will be riddled with shame and guilt the next day, and that’s just no way to start the New Year.

“Yes,” “Dave” says.

“No,” says Sober Woman, pulling at Drunk Woman’s arm.

“Fuck you, bitch!” says Drunk Woman.  “You aren’t my boss.”

She says this very loudly. Loud enough so the whole bar has heard.  Loud enough for the blues music to be scratched off the record and everyone to turn and stare.

Sober Woman grabs Crying Woman and makes the announcement that THEY are LEAVING.

 

Part II

“Dave” gets into a cab with Drunk Woman.

“You know I’m not going to sleep with you, right?” says Drunk Woman immediately.

“Dave” says nothing.  Um…yeah.  Um….isn’t that what strangers do when they go home together?

“Um….” says “Dave.”

“Oh.  My.  God.  You actually fucking thought I was going to sleep with you,” says Drunk Woman, shaking her head.  She laughs in disgust.  She shakes her head again.  Men are pigs.  Her mother was right.  “You’d better not fucking try to get out of the cab with me.”

They arrive at Drunk Woman’s house.

“Dave” sits quietly.

Drunk Woman places her hand on his crotch and says:

“You are coming up with me, aren’t you?”

“Dave” wants to say no, but has a penis, so he gets out with her.  At the door, he has second thoughts.  Those thoughts mainly contain the word “psycho,” but he follows her in to the house.

She starts taking off his pants.  At this point “Dave” realizes that he is extremely drunk and this woman is most likely crazy.  Or that when she wakes up in the morning she may call the cops.

So he zips up his pants and makes for the door.

He’s followed out by Drunk Woman’s obscenities, most of which involve such ladylike terms as “pussy,” “limp dick” and “cocksucker.”  These terms are quickly followed up by a pump or two being hurled over his right shoulder.

 

So have a Happy New Year’s celebration.  Just be careful.  And party responsibly.  And if you ask a guy to come home with you, be sure you really want to have sex with him.  Otherwise, it just isn’t very polite.

Anybody else got any nasty stories about dealing with drunken friends?

Sincerely Yours

Wag the Dad

I’ll probably get a lot of chicks pissed off at me now.  But I have to live vicariously.  Like here:

Sexual Advice for Straight Men

The Perverted Fear of Violence

Never Underestimate the Power of Crazy

Comments

  1. I have found the only way to avoid having to babysit the drunk, inappropriate whore and the Crying Skank is to BE those girls… sometimes simultaneously!

  2. I have been all of those girls, on new years & otherwise. In recent years, we have left the kiddies home with the grandparents & gone to my SIL’s for an adult game night with food & drinks & banging on pots & pans at midnight (don’t ask!), but we leave right after midnight & get home around 12:30 & fall into bed. Woo-hoo. We are old.

  3. Two years ago I went to a house party for NYE. The hostess’ cousin started a fight with the DJ and I ended up returning home blood spattered and tired. I’m returning for another NYE party with at the same friends’ house tomorrow evening. This year she isn’t inviting the Sharks or the Jets. I really think I’m too old for this crap, but I am going to put on my glitz and glam and go anyway. I think I’ll try to sneak out at 10. Lame I know.

  4. I am baffled by Crying Girl because — who cries while getting their drunk on? Getting drunk makes me happy, even if I was feeling crappy to begin with. Ay well. I also know the problems with Drunk Girl because we have a few of those in our social group. We don’t babysit them because nobody wants shoes thrown at their head and if they haven’t learned about axe murderers yet, it’s not our responsibility. Darwinism at it’s finest, people.

    In my experience, the Hubs is the only person who is qualified to keep an eye on me while I’m drunk. Mostly because he’s the only person who CARES who I go home with, and will therefore make sure I go home with him. If we have drunk sex to boot, that’s a bonus. For that reason, we are staying home without kids but with plenty of booze and appetizers and movies to watch. This IS our idea of a good time.

  5. I am always the babysitter of my friends.

    Last year I was at a cabin NYE party with 30 other people. A guy wearing a cowboy hat who had a serious lisp got angry about something and punched out a window.

    There was glass and blood everywhere and the other 29 people present weren’t concerned about it at all, so naturally, I cleaned it up.

    My boyfriend probably would have helped me clean it up, but unfortunately he was too busy puking his guts out. Which I also cleaned up.

    Did I mention is was only 10:30 p.m.?

  6. This year I got to have a migraine from being drunkasaurus Rex the night before and not paying attention to the vodka quality. Sadly that’s a factor. However instead of being able to listen to all the drunken idiots from a medicated stupor I had to go pick up drunken/crying/barfing/feisty-save-me-from-going-to-jail-for-assault friend. She was a hoot. Puked all over the SO’s white duvet, herself and the floor. Lucky for me he is a fucking Rock Star of a man and helped me out… He cleaned up pukey mess for me from his own drunken state then helped my migraine laden ass to bed after telling me how awesome I am and wishing me a happy new year. I think all told I’ll call it a win as I have soooooo been weepy drunk girl my share of times. Though never puking girl… hhhmmm maybe I am owed for that shit.

    Hope your fam filled night was fun and one of us at least got laid.

  7. I had like 3 sips of a Smirnoff Ice and went to bed at 12:30. Having kids really does make life more exciting, doesn’t it?

  8. I believe you a 100%. Sorry ladies, but this guy knows what he’s talking about. Which brings me to the next point… are you sure we’re talking a friend’s experience. I mean, I’ve totally given up on starting any sentence with, ‘A friend of mine…’ when everybody – including my fours shrinks – knows I’m my best friend, so we’re talking MOI here. Just wondering. Happy new year anyway, and let us know what happened this year a.k.a. last year… um… YOU know what I mean, right Dad?

  9. I was the Drunk Crying Woman on far too many occasions, hence my years of subsequent sobriety. I did have the distinction of vomiting Southern Comfort backstage at a concert while Jimmy Buffett held my hair back. He is a true gentleman, that one.

  10. Yeah, I try not to drink with those maudlin types. Or those psycho types.

    I had a roommate who was both. Drink one: SO AWESOME. Drink two: SHE IS THE LIFE OF THE PARTY. Drink three: She gets quiet. Drink four: The shoulder shaking tears. Drink five: HOLY SHIT LET’S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE SHE GUTS US. She would usually come home with a new “boyfriend” if it progressed from there.

    So basically, you’re fine, as long as you don’t drink with psychos. Y’all broke the seal by having a shot with her.

  11. I brought my male gay friend as a date to a new year’s eve “gala” (I say gala because I don’t know what else to call an event that looks like its a wedding but isn’t and is held at a catering hall) and his motto was, “I’m going to get my $150 worth, bitches!” And, oh, did he. He somehow managed to find the largest fat woman dressed in the tightest zebra-print dress and kiss her full on the mouth when the ball dropped. Then, while waiting for the valet, he picked a fight with an elderly woman in a fur coat he assumed was cutting us and screamed in her face, “Ma’am! Ma’am! Ma’am! Ma’am!” and when she continued to ignore him, “Sir!????!”, and the proceeded to tell the large fat man in front of us that “she can goddamn wait because she has a goddamn fur coat on and she’s goddamn warm”. I’d love to agree with you that gay males tend to be more responsible than their female, heterosexual counterparts, but mine did not, especially not when he was double-fisting Grey Goose and Diet Coke.

  12. Lately I have had boring new years celebrations, they involve things like being at home then going “WOOOO!” at the stroke of midnight then staying up to watch the sunrise then sleeping. so. much. fun.

  13. Yeahhh…I’ve gotten kicked out of bars because friend in a short dress keeps falling down all over the place. Awkward.

  14. I was that poor sap in high school that hung out with the girls, but never got to date any of them. We would go out on a weekend and it was my job to take care of 6 drunk girls, make sure they didn’t go home with anyone and get them all home okay. I got in fights with guys every weekend trying to keep them away. Looking back after 20 years, I could have handled those nights in a much more satisfying way.

  15. Dude,

    I’m not going into the details but I’ve personally been involved with a chick like ‘Drunk Woman’..Holy Shizballs…not only are these types crazy they’ll likely take your spleen out in the middle of the night and sell it on Ebay before you wake in the morning.

    Happy New Year Bro!

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