2 Things before we get started:
1) This is advice for what to do and not to do during the celebration of New Year’s Eve. Not what to do in the New Year.
I can say one simple thing about that: don’t fucking do anything. You know that you’ll stop doing what you planned to do, or start doing again what you planned to stop doing, so why set yourself up for disappointment?
Realism. Close to godliness.
2) My New Year’s Eve has been celebrated with children for at least six years now.
This post is for those of you bastards who still get to go out on New Year’s Eve.
The ones who, unlike all the people I know in the physical realm, do not yet say ‘oh, nooo, I prefer to spend my new year’s in the company of my family,’ instead opting to get rip-roaring drunk, shoot off fireworks, drink shitloads of vodka and red bull, and do dances involving poles sticking out of bars.
I love you the most.
New Year’s Advice for Women
1) Get a buddy. Stick with that buddy. Make sure that buddy is a gay male.
Men are more reliable than women on the buddy side, but only if they are not sexually attracted to you.
If you cannot find a gay male, find a female. Do not hang out with a heterosexual man. No matter what, if he agrees to hang out with you the entire night, it’s because he wants to have sex with you.
2) Make sure that your buddy to you ratio is 1:1.
You can’t fucking expect your buddy to watch out for your ass if s/he’s got to take care of a bunch of drunken, weepy/barfy/naked bitches.
I will leave you with an example. This is a true story. It is here solely to illustrate my point.
Several years ago, back when most of the people I know
weren’t chained to their spouses/children in the seven-and-a-halfth level of hell and forced didn’t prefer to stay at home on New Year’s Eve, three friends of mine were sitting in a bar, finishing up the evening, around 4 A.M.
While they were sitting there, three women came in. Crying Woman, Drunk Woman, and Sober Woman. Sober Woman was the babysitter. Did I need to mention that?
Note how clearly rule # 2 has already been violated. Buddy to friend ratio = 1:2.
My friends noted the entrance, but because the bar was packed, they quickly ignored the three women. They, after all, were intoxicated, and not really looking for women. They were looking to get a pizza or, failing that, have another five rounds of tequila and go home and call it a night.
They were quickly reminded of their presence, however, when Drunk Woman sidled up to them and asked them if they want to do shots with her. Seemingly oblivious of the five rounds of tequila shots already on the table.
So they do a round of shots with her.
Meanwhile, Sober Woman leaves Crying Woman briefly alone at the bar and comes to retrieve Drunk Woman.
“Jennifer, you really need to come over here with me.”
Drunk Woman leaves with Sober Woman, only to return when Crying Woman bolts out the door and Sober Woman follows.
“Do you want to go home with me tonight?” she asks one of my friends. We’ll call him “Dave.”
“Dave,” thinking this is not such a good idea, says “No.”
Sober Woman and Crying Woman return and retrieve Drunk Woman once again.
Drunk Woman comes back to “Dave”.
“Do you want to go home with me tonight?” she asks “Dave.”
“Dave” is quite drink and not interested in the slightest. But “Dave” is a guy. So he is slightly interested.
Especially when the aforementioned scene repeats itself five times.
I am not fucking kidding. She asked him to go home with her five times.
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Drunk Friends #1 and #2 ask “Dave.”
They are concerned that Drunk Woman might be out to get him. To rob him or otherwise misuse him. They are also jealous Drunk Woman has not asked them to go home with her. Also they’re pretty sure “Dave” won’t be able to get it up and will be riddled with shame and guilt the next day, and that’s just no way to start the New Year.
“Yes,” “Dave” says.
“No,” says Sober Woman, pulling at Drunk Woman’s arm.
“Fuck you, bitch!” says Drunk Woman. “You aren’t my boss.”
She says this very loudly. Loud enough so the whole bar has heard. Loud enough for the blues music to be scratched off the record and everyone to turn and stare.
Sober Woman grabs Crying Woman and makes the announcement that THEY are LEAVING.
“Dave” gets into a cab with Drunk Woman.
“You know I’m not going to sleep with you, right?” says Drunk Woman immediately.
“Dave” says nothing. Um…yeah. Um….isn’t that what strangers do when they go home together?
“Um….” says “Dave.”
“Oh. My. God. You actually fucking thought I was going to sleep with you,” says Drunk Woman, shaking her head. She laughs in disgust. She shakes her head again. Men are pigs. Her mother was right. “You’d better not fucking try to get out of the cab with me.”
They arrive at Drunk Woman’s house.
“Dave” sits quietly.
Drunk Woman places her hand on his crotch and says:
“You are coming up with me, aren’t you?”
“Dave” wants to say no, but has a penis, so he gets out with her. At the door, he has second thoughts. Those thoughts mainly contain the word “psycho,” but he follows her in to the house.
She starts taking off his pants. At this point “Dave” realizes that he is extremely drunk and this woman is most likely crazy. Or that when she wakes up in the morning she may call the cops.
So he zips up his pants and makes for the door.
He’s followed out by Drunk Woman’s obscenities, most of which involve such ladylike terms as “pussy,” “limp dick” and “cocksucker.” These terms are quickly followed up by a pump or two being hurled over his right shoulder.
So have a Happy New Year’s celebration. Just be careful. And party responsibly. And if you ask a guy to come home with you, be sure you really want to have sex with him. Otherwise, it just isn’t very polite.
Anybody else got any nasty stories about dealing with drunken friends?
Wag the Dad
I’ll probably get a lot of chicks pissed off at me now. But I have to live vicariously. Like here: