Rethinking The Third Reich

rethinking.third.reich

My Text Conversation About the Third Reich

Note: to speed things up and simplify, Wag the Dad is in bold and The Dane is in italics.

Wag: All German men are gay.

The Dane: No response.

Seriously, like at least eighty percent of these guys, I can’t tell whether they’re gay or straight. I keep having to look at their fingers for wedding rings. And as we know, that doesn’t really mean shit.

No response.

And you know what? The women aren’t that much to look at, either.

Where the hell are you?

I’m in Poland. Shooting pigs.

Hunting? Or killing the police?

Hunting. It’s awesome. You are right about the Germans. I’ve noticed that, too.

Anyway. My gaydar is going off like crazy.

You don’t have gaydar. You have to be gay to have gaydar.

No you don’t. I learned it from Keith.

Who’s Keith?

This gay friend of mine. Never mind.

*LATER*

rethinking.third.reich

That Is Absolutely Correct My Friend

I have to take back what I said about the Germans. Some of the women are quite fuckable.

That is absolutely correct my friend.

Are you eating bacon?

No bacon. You have to butcher the pig first.

You know, seriously. These guys are really, really faggy. I can’t get over this. I mean we’re not talking metrosexual here. We’re talking ‘Hi, my name izz Franz, vould you like to fuck me in ze ass?”

You said this already. And that’s not funny.

Fuck you. You’re shooting fucking pigs, for chrissake. How ridiculous.

No response.

Anyway, so I was thinking. If the previous generation or two were as faggy as these dudes walking around the airport right now, it is time historians started rethinking The Third Reich. I mean, really. Can you imagine? Nazi drag queens?

Wouldn’t work. It’s not PC.

What, gay guys can’t be fascists?

Nope. Gay guys are the opposite of fascists.

What the hell does that mean? I’ll bet if you said that in the States, you’d find somebody who would get all pissed off about that. “Hey, man. Just because we’re gay doesn’t mean we can’t be fascists.” PC. Shit. Mel Brooks did Hitler.

He can do that. He’s Jewish. When is your flight?

Now.

Good.

Why, this conversation making you uncomfortable?

No. I just have to go skin my pig.

Sincerely Yours

Wag the Dad

Disclaimer:

This does not in any way apply to my German coworkers. They are all extremely masculine. All opinions here were formed over years of contact with Germanicus Volkus as well as whilst wandering around the airport for 3 hours because my flight could not be changed to an earlier time.

Disclaimer Addendum:

I also love gay people. I just think that people should be easily identified by appearance and behavior, in regards to which team they are playing for, to make things easier. Shirts versus skins, that kind of thing. Otherwise, how in the hell are you supposed to know who to throw the ball to?

I want the world and I want it now:

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Comments

  1. I take offense on behalf of all Germans everywhere. Well, half offense, since I’m only about half German, but still. Why you be hatin’, Shane?

    Oh, and you can have gaydar and not be gay. I have gaydar. I am usually about 80% correct in my assessment. That other 20% is usually only when they haven’t admitted even to themselves that they are gay and want to go and get wives and shit. So really, I’m 100% accurate at all times, just delayed.

  2. If only you were correct, then concentration camps may have been more like day spas.

  3. Holy shit, could you imagine? You get to Auschwitz and there’s a guy in a suit to take your coat and hand you an umbrellaed drink and a hot towel “to open ze pores”.

    Yeah, I think I could go Jewish for that.

    **Just as a disclaimer: Hitler was bad, Jews are fine, and Gays are awesome. There, I think I’ve got everyone I offended covered.**

  4. Are you sure you weren’t in the German version of the Castro? I think pretty much every location has a “gay neighborhood” now.

    Also, the reason more Americans (including me) have German in them than any other nationality is because the Germans had the most kids. That’s right, they outbred all the other immigrants. So….probably not all gay, unless things have changed a lot in the last century.

  5. I’m going to be honest~I’m kind of afraid to comment on this. So here is my comment about my non-comment.
    P.S. I’m rocking the shirt in my blog post today.
    P.P.S. I like how you worked bacon into the conversation.

  6. Steering clear of the politically sensitive bits, I’m left wondering why they still have to hunt pigs in Poland. Haven’t they figured out how to raise them on farms yet? It’s much easier.

    • My friend didn’t answer that. I’m not sure why, either. Probably has something to do with the way they did it under communism: more work means more people are employed.

  7. Ah! So you’re from Chicago…that’s where we are. My husband is reading this post right now and cracking up.

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