My Text Conversation About the Third Reich
Note: to speed things up and simplify, Wag the Dad is in bold and The Dane is in italics.
Wag: All German men are gay.
The Dane: No response.
Seriously, like at least eighty percent of these guys, I can’t tell whether they’re gay or straight. I keep having to look at their fingers for wedding rings. And as we know, that doesn’t really mean shit.
And you know what? The women aren’t that much to look at, either.
Where the hell are you?
I’m in Poland. Shooting pigs.
Hunting? Or killing the police?
Hunting. It’s awesome. You are right about the Germans. I’ve noticed that, too.
Anyway. My gaydar is going off like crazy.
You don’t have gaydar. You have to be gay to have gaydar.
No you don’t. I learned it from Keith.
This gay friend of mine. Never mind.
I have to take back what I said about the Germans. Some of the women are quite fuckable.
That is absolutely correct my friend.
Are you eating bacon?
No bacon. You have to butcher the pig first.
You know, seriously. These guys are really, really faggy. I can’t get over this. I mean we’re not talking metrosexual here. We’re talking ‘Hi, my name izz Franz, vould you like to fuck me in ze ass?”
You said this already. And that’s not funny.
Fuck you. You’re shooting fucking pigs, for chrissake. How ridiculous.
Anyway, so I was thinking. If the previous generation or two were as faggy as these dudes walking around the airport right now, it is time historians started rethinking The Third Reich. I mean, really. Can you imagine? Nazi drag queens?
Wouldn’t work. It’s not PC.
What, gay guys can’t be fascists?
Nope. Gay guys are the opposite of fascists.
What the hell does that mean? I’ll bet if you said that in the States, you’d find somebody who would get all pissed off about that. “Hey, man. Just because we’re gay doesn’t mean we can’t be fascists.” PC. Shit. Mel Brooks did Hitler.
He can do that. He’s Jewish. When is your flight?
Why, this conversation making you uncomfortable?
No. I just have to go skin my pig.
Wag the Dad
This does not in any way apply to my German coworkers. They are all extremely masculine. All opinions here were formed over years of contact with Germanicus Volkus as well as whilst wandering around the airport for 3 hours because my flight could not be changed to an earlier time.
I also love gay people. I just think that people should be easily identified by appearance and behavior, in regards to which team they are playing for, to make things easier. Shirts versus skins, that kind of thing. Otherwise, how in the hell are you supposed to know who to throw the ball to?
I want the world and I want it now: