Sexual Advice For Straight Men #3

Sexual Advice Straight Men

She gots the red hots. You got there by using these things to stimulate:

This is the third and final rule.  Anything else is just window dressing.  Shit, if you got rule #1 and #2, you don’t need anything else.  For extra credit you can go and read up on erogenous zones, but even those are overrated.

To recap what we’ve already discussed:

Stimulate the clitoris in any way you can.  Listen to the woman.  If she makes positive

Sexual Advice Straight Men

Maybe

noise, continue.  If she makes negative noise, do something else.

The third and final rule?

Grab and retreat.

Got it?

I’ll say it again:

Sexual Advice Straight Men

Only With Consent

Grab and retreat.

Rolls off the tongue quite nicely, don’t you think?  No?  Well, then, fucko, you will most likely remember it.

This is the icing on the cake, the lube on the sausage, the fire in the hole.  Once you’ve mastered listening and figured out what to do with the clitoris (and possibly other, made-up or real erogenous zones such as the hollow between the upper arm and the lower arm, the clavicle or the armpit), you can’t just grab a hold and ride until you reach outer space.

Why not?

Sexual Advice Straight Men

Only If She Used Them On You First

Well.  You CAN.  But if you want to be really good?  If you want them begging for more?

You do all of that.  And then you do nothing.  Then you do it again.  Then you go somewhere else, and then you go back there and do it a lot more.

First you do a little, then the little won’t do it, so the little gets more and more.

I think that’s a Donovan song.

You keep that up, and they’ll be begging you to do other things.  By then you won’t have to figure it out, if you’ve done all this correctly,

Sexual Advice Straight Men

More. Pretty please?

because by then they will be telling you exactly what you need to do with your nether appendages.

Trust me.

If not, you’re not doing it right.  Go back to the beginning.

 

 

Final Rules for Men on How To Please a Woman Sexually

Sexual Advice Straight Men

Really?

Stimulate the clitoris or whatever.  If the woman makes negative noise, do something else.  If the woman makes positive noise, do it some more, then stop and do something else.  Remember that place with the positive noise and go back and do that again after you’ve done the something else.

Pleasing a woman sexually is like a bee visiting a flower.  Never watched a bee

Sexual Advice Straight Men

Never, ever, never, ever, never, ever. Ever.

visit a flower?  Maybe that’s an indication as to why you haven’t been able to please a woman:  you have to slow down, and think about something else for a change, other than your own dick.

When a bee visits a flower, it doesn’t stick its proboscis in there and ram the flower until it gives up the nectar.  It grabs and retreats, grabs and retreats.  Sometimes it visits other flowers before it comes back, which is OK, if you’re all consenting, but a bee that’s monogamous will visit all areas of the flower, sampling, working, until it gets the best juice it can find.

Sexual Advice Straight Men

This'll Work Every Time

It’s exhausting, if you do it right.  But the return on the investment is worth the effort.

I know.  Bees?  Fucking hell, bees?  Yeah, you come up with a better metaphor.  If you don’t know what a metaphor is, chances are you suck in bed.  Go back to the beginning.

 

Sincerely Yours

Wag the Dad

Got any more sexual needs?  Read these to tide you over:

I am a Degenerate Douche Bag

Bling Should Be Seen And Not Heard

Business Suits Are For Losers

Comments

  1. Okay, now explain why it’s the ones who DON’T follow the rules who THINK they’re the best thing since sliced bread?

  2. hahahaha @ grab and retreat!

  3. I have taken the liberty of copying your last three posts and will be distributing them to all men’s rooms in the Portland metro area. The women od P-town salute you, Shane.

  4. Nailed it. Pun intended. Nice work.

  5. The bee metaphor is gold. This shit is going to pop into my head during sexy time and I’ll have to explain why I’m laughing so hard.

  6. I feel that you should make these rules into pamphlet form and distribute them amongst all areas where men hang out . . . bars, sports stadiums, Home Depot/Lowes, strip clubs, Best Buy (near the video game section), horse track (that might be just for my hubs, but go ahead and put it there anyway, k?), starbucks, gym, etc.

    Maybe you should also petition the schools to add this to their sex ed curriculum, give those boys a heads up from the start. I think that would be much appreciated, because men don’t figure this shit out until much much later in life, if ever. Many college chics would be muchos grateful, I’m sure.

    • I’m going to do something like that. Maybe I should just finally get my shit together and publish a whole series of books “The Wag the Dad’s Guide to Wanking” or something like that.

  7. Can you cover “your tongue is not a penis so please take it out of there”? I have tried and tried to get this point across and for some odd reason it just doesn’t seem to be working. Maybe I need to have a man say it? WTF

    You just explained the bees portion of the birds and the bees. I am waiting for the other half of the deal.

  8. I need a fourth rule: How to not think of your blog during sex. It’s been a great ride, for sure. And the advice is supercalifragilistic. But I CANNOT listen to my man if I’m all “What would Wag the Dad do now?”

    • Wag the Dad is all about the difference between theory and practice. Um…kind of. No, really, I am AWESOME in bed. And you don’t have to listen. You just have to follow the one rule for sex for straight women.

      See, there are SOME perks about being female.

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