She Threw Fucking Shoes At Me

she threw fucking shoes at me

I'm Gonna Go Upside Your Head With These, You Don't Stop Staring At Me

Yesterday Angie lost Round 2 of Wag the Dad v. Angie.

It was to be expected.  I had my whole plan developed and shit.  Of course, we will see what happens next Monday.  It’s quite possible – highly likely, in fact – that I am going to be wearing my ass as a face come the 31st.

But it’s all in good fun.  In reality, Angie wants me.  Who can blame her?

The thing is, though, I’m already taken.  I am married.  All of this talk about he said-she said, who watches TV and who spends all of their time polishing the dildoes in the relationship got me to thinking about my marriage.

About what works.  And what doesn’t.

I also realized that I am a very different man from a lot of other men, and that many of you are very different women, and go figure, we’re all a bunch of unique motherfuckers and Eddie Murphy was right when he said that we’re all fucked up, we just need to find somebody as fucked up as we are and settle down.

Because it’s about equality.  It’s about spreading the work, and spreading the love.

This whole post was going to be a big sappy thing along the lines of “here’s to my wife and all the shit we’ve been through,” but it’s not shaping up to be that, is it?

So why did I marry my wife?

She Threw Fucking Shoes At Me

 

She did.  She missed, but still, she threw them at me.

It was a long time ago.  I’ll give her that.  We were young.  Over twenty.  But it was a juvenile thing to do.  So was what most likely happened afterward – me going out and getting wasted with my friends.

It’s OK, though.  Know why?

Because it’s awesome.  Have YOU ever thrown anything at anyone?  Anyone you were supposed to be in love with?

I haven’t.  Somehow I feel like I’m missing out.

So here’s to my wife.

She probably won’t read this, because she already knows everything about me, but here’s to you, Barbara.

Here’s to having been a great team for sixteen years going on seventeen, to a passionate, emotional, never dull and awesome-in-spite-of-the-Eminem-vs-Rihanna-like-arguments that brought us together.

Because you have to TALK, and you have to FIGHT, in order to get your shit out in the open, if you expect to achieve anything close to equality.

And somebody who doesn’t do that with you just isn’t worth it.  That dude from the Counting Crows said “If you don’t want to talk about it, then, it isn’t love,” and he’s right.

Thanks for all the talking, Barbara.  And thanks for all the fighting.  It’s made me feel like I was worth it.

I forgive you for throwing shoes at me.

Sincerely Yours

Wag the Dad

Sappy fucking Wag.  Tomorrow I’m going to be a dick again.

Look Busy.  That’s All That Counts.

The Ten Commandments of Oral Sex

101 Nights of “Grrreat” Sex

Comments

  1. She should guest post on your blog. It could be a whole series! IMAGINE!

    “Throwing my sneakers”
    “Throwing my sandals”
    “Throwing my ass kickin boots”

    • Also I forgot…sometimes people don’t realise you have to fight it out to find a balance, how else do you lose your shit and tell your partner exactly what you think which hopefully will lead to both of you working it out.

      • Yeah, people who say they never fight always freak me out. I have this thing where I think I’ll do some cold shit and NOT FIGHT BACK, like in an aloof, Iceman kind of way and then I can’t do it.

    • It would be cool, too, to show before and after pics of my face. Like “This was my husband before the sneakers.” “After the ass kickin boots’ ass kickin.”

      Let’s do that. I’ve got insurance.

      • We need to check with your lawyer to make sure we’re toeing the line of domestic abuse. :D

        • I think that Misty would say that had the shoes connected, then I would have a case. But since it’s not documented and it happened over fifteen years ago, I would say we’ve exceeded the statute of limitations on this one already.

          • Yes, if we are talking about a claim for assault with the intent for grievous bodily harm or some shit, you are out of luck. If it’s attempted murder, a field in which thankfully I do not practice, I think 15 may still be outside the scope. But since there is no documented evidence and it would mainly be a case of heresay testimony, I think it would be a no go. That is my not so expert legal opinion on the matter, anyway.

          • Thanks Misty! I ‘preciate the free legal advice.

  2. Oh.My.God. How could you tell everyone?! :) You’re awesome and we all know it. You can get over yourself now.

    You’re right…. if you aren’t willing to talk and fight and love hard for your relationships they won’t work, they won’t last, and they aren’t love. Congrats to you BOTH on making it work!

    • Sorry, Angie. Just had to be honest. I am over myself. Being surrounded by all of these troublesome women with an OPINION, and no FEAR of VOICING IT, has helped me along in that aspect.

      Thanks for the congrats, but we were just lucky. And she’s lucky those shoes didn’t connect. Oh yes. She IS lucky.

  3. This will come as no surprise, but I once hucked a beer bottle at a sort-of-boyrfriend to make him stop peeing in the street at a party. A FULL beer bottle. And I hit him. In the HEAD. I did feel sort of bad… later…

    • Well, of course, if you’re peeing in the street at a party, then….

      Wait a minute. What’s wrong, exactly, with peeing in the street? If you’re a man, the world is your urinal. Was he showing his wienie to everybody or something?

      A friend once hit someone in the face with a full beer can. It was dirty fighting, but as he explained it, the other guy was A) stronger, B) faster and C) bigger than him, so it was to even the odds.

    • This? Right here? Is why I fucking love you, Hoody.

  4. Oh yeah, fighting is critical to a healthy relationship. My son gets upset when my husband and I fight (which isn’t often, but it happens). I tell him that the time to worry is when we stop caring enough to fight.

    • I will have to remember that one, Lori, for when my kids get pissed at me when we fight. I used to get pissed off at my parents because I thought they were going to get a divorce and we were going to become white trash. I think that statement would definitely have helped me.

    • Lori, I’m going to file that one away, too. Daughter gets really upset when anyone raises their voice around her, she’s very much a people-pleaser (people meaning everyone but me…lol). Teaching her that it is okay to be angry has been a real battle.

      • You just have to piss her off ALL THE TIME. Eventually she’ll go off on everybody and then you’ll be all “god, I wish she were a people-pleaser again”.

        My daughter is very similar. She says to me “Daddy, sometimes I wish I could be bad. People are so mean, and sometimes I just want to be mean back.”

        So I tell her to just be bad, and mean back.

  5. I once threw an end table at my husband then cried like a little bitch when he picked it up and threw it back at me. I couldn’t BELIEVE he would throw a piece of furniture at me! What was that, I started it? Shhhh….

  6. In my defense, it was an end table from Ikea which means it was pretty much made out of cardboard. Also, I’m kind of shaping up to be the one who every suspects is getting beat by her husband, aren’t I?

    • I knew a woman (a distant, very distant) acquaintance of mine who married a Hispanic man from Ecuador. They would get into huge fights. He was Mr. Conservative Hispanic Guy from Ecuador, but she was the one who got violent. It got so bad one day that she beat the shit out of him, he ran out of the apartment and somebody on the street convinced him to press charges for spousal abuse.

      I still think it’s fucking hilarious.

  7. Shoes are just so easy to throw and have a good heft to them. I’d say one of the better objects to fling at someone you love.

  8. A-fucking-men. Mind if I send this post to my craphead of an ex? :)

  9. I was in an abusive marriage for ten years and as a result became incredibly obsequious and conflict-avoidant. I went out of my way to make everyone happy and would curl up like a pillbug any time I sensed tension. I know, right? Obviousy I got over that shit! It wasn’t until about two years ago when I was arguing with my friend Jess and she kept saying “Get mad! Tell me I’m wrong!” When I kept shaking my head she finally hurled a coffee table book at me and said “Not everyone who argues with you is going to beat you so FUCKING GET MAD!” I screamed “FUCK YOU!!!” and threw the book back at her. Let me tell you, that 10 minute incident was a hell of a lot more effective than two years of theapy.

  10. It’s ridiculous how sucking it up and saying “fuck you, I’m pissed, you hurt me, whatever” works rather than just letting it fester like a boil. I used to be so anti-confrontation, aka a doormat, and just let shit slide rather than potentially lose a “friendship” or a “boyfriend”. Fuck that shit right in the ear.

    Now, I throw stuff like insanely full pee diapers while yelling obscenities. Very effective.

  11. I couldn’t agree more. If it’s not worth fighting over, what’s the point??? Every relationship has its moments where you dance around the real issue because making a point is less important than keeping the peace, but sometimes you’ve just got to let go, and remind her the pimp hand is still strong. Albeit from folding laundry. It not only reinforces that you are still two seperate people within a relationship, each with their own opinions and ideas, but helps clear the air between you as well. One big argument makes up for a hundred ‘muttering under my breath because it’s not worth the grief’ moments. If your partner ever stops fighting, start worrying.
    As for the throwing shoes thing, I’m glad my wife doesn’t do that. Mainly because she has so many shoes she’ll never run out of ammo…….
    P.S. Both Misty and Jen have used the phrase ‘I love you’ to me recently. Just thought you should be aware they’re blog-whoring behind our backs :)

  12. We really don’t fight anymore. We did at first. There was more passion 20 years ago. Today, we pretty much just tool along feeling sort of content. The major bloodbath fights are over. (A slight exaggeration, but the screaming, slamming, tears thing is bloodbathy too!)

  13. The Hubs and I would not be our happy, well-adjusted selves today if we hadn’t fought our shit out. It took a stint in couples therapy but it was WORTH IT. And now we just snarl and make obscene gestures at each other, and it’s delightful. Neither of us can remember why we were so uptight for the first decade or so of marriage.

    I can’t remember if I’ve thrown anything at Hubs, and he’s not here to ask. HOWEVER, I have broken keys, kicked the dishwasher (it still has the dent) and left scratches in furniture. I guess I take my frustrations out on inanimate objects.

    • I think taking your frustrations out on inanimate objects is OK, because the rage and anger then at least go somewhere. We don’t punch things. We just let shit fester. What we have both learned to do, however, is to just let it out and then pretend like nothing happened. Usually the other one plays along. We figure in the grand scheme it doesn’t really matter. And we don’t want to have any more entire Saturdays ruined because somebody got bitchy about something at 7 A.M.

      We did some couples’ therapy, too. Definitely worth it.

  14. Hey, that’s some reassuring news! We’re approaching 3 years and the fighting is steady. We’re good for at least another 13!

  15. so is this my problem???? I don’t throw my precious shoes?!? Goddamnit!!! I need to get out some pent up aggression and the man is big, he can take it… but i love my shoes, my beautiful shoes. Maybe I’ll find something else and yes Shane your fetish post is coming…. I’ve been on a mental break. or is that break down? Either way, you shall have a post regarding my love of shoes and all that shit… plus some extra goodies you didn’t ask for but want, promise.

    • Wait…I have a fetish? Or are you writing about YOUR fetish? Dammit. And yes, you need to get all violent on his ass. He can take it. Then you’ll feel guilt and be nicer to him.

  16. I accidentally tried to drown my bf during a water fight….. and I once stabbed an ex in the hand with my fork because he tried to steal my cheesecake…

    hmmm… this might be less about me showing my love through fighting and maybe I have some unhealthy anger issues… damnit.

    • It depends on how you feel when you’re violent, though.

      Like if you’re filled with anger while you’re doing it, you have anger issues.

      If you’re sad, you’re depressed.

      If you feel nothing, or think it’s funny when you commit random acts of violence, then you’re a sick sadist.

      which one is it?

  17. If she threw those shoes from the picture at you, you are lucky she missed, because those puppies would have caused some major brain damage!

    The hubs and I don’t really fight. We might raise our voices a bit, but then we will do that angry silent treatment thing. It actually almost ended us recently. We were plodding along for quite a few months (years? maybe), treating each other basically as roommates and not talking, arguing or anything else. Then we had a knock down drag out screaming crying fuckyouandyourfuckingdog fight. Things are better.

    I think it’s about passion. We both have it, but don’t let it out that often apparently. We need more fighting I think.

    • Whatever works, works. I don’t want to be responsible for breaking anybody up because I suggested you have to fight in order to be together. It’s be with someone as fucked up as you are, preferably fucked up in equal ways.

  18. Oh my gosh! I thought I was a lunatic for getting frustrated that my husband won’t fight…now I’m just worried!

    • No worries. Men don’t fight because they know they can’t win against women. Generally, women are much more complex and more emotionally intelligent than we are, so we are screwed there, and although we are generally stronger and better at physical fighting, that’s been drilled out of us from day one, so we just figure if we stand their and drool, you women will take pity on us and not hit us with your accessories.

  19. I’ve had exes throw plates as well as closed fists at my head. Yeah, we had some good fights … until they decided to get the upper hand by fucking other men. Oddly, that’s not something that any amount of crockery or upper cuts tend to remedy.

    Though, it did afford me the only opportunity I’ve ever had to defenestrate someone.

    My last girlfriend, though, she was more of the “Don’t-raise-your-voice-even-NEAR-me-’cause-I-will-begin-to-cry-like-a-wee-babe” variety. Never got used to that.

    Throwing shoes, though? That’s a relationship classic, like awkward sex in the backseat of a car.

    • Cool. You used defenestrate in a sentence. Do tell.

      • Well, I assume the statute of limitations has expired on aggravated assault charges, so I guess it’s safe to share with the rest of the class.

        I became friends with this girl during the first semester of my freshman year of college. We fell in love, and eventually moved in together and got engaged. And that’s about when things went straight to hell. It was so bad we didn’t even bother with the hand basket.

        Anyway, she ends up sleeping with her ex to “see if I still have feelings for him.” Did I mention she had the sex on my birthday? And told me the next day, which happens to be New Year’s Eve? Yeah, that was nice of her, ’cause it made for a really great start to the new year.

        Well, the whole window thing happened a few days later, when I went to our apartment to pick up some of my stuff. She knew I’d be there, and she still thought it would be a good idea for him to be there. And naked. It was the bed head that gave her away. ‘Cause I recognized it. And well, there happened to be a window right there, so I threw him out of it. Which proves quite nicely that people really can survive a two-story drop.

        It also proves that fifteen years later, I’m still really, really bitter about the whole thing. Wow! I need to go lie down or something. But yeah, it affords me the opportunity to legitimately use the word “defenestrate” in a sentence. Of course, it also gave her a legitimate reason to call me a “fucking lunatic.”

        • Thanks for telling us about this. It really, really sucks.

          And I know that sounds like I’m trivializing it. I’m not. I have had friends who have been in your position, though not as fucking much, and not as fucking horribly so, and I want to buy you a beer.

          And punch you in the shoulder or something and tell you to find a girl who looks just like her, nail her, and then dump her.

          And then buy you another beer and get all sensitive and shit.

          • I would definitely appreciate the beers.

            And really, I don’t think saying the situation sucks is trivializing at all. It’s breaking it down to its core components. It did suck. Still does, when I think about it.

            But that’s all part of dating and relationships. There are going to be things that suck. I had a gal who cheated on me. A buddy of mine had a gal who gave him genital warts. That, too, sucked. And so there was beer. And ribbing. And a well-intentioned friend who calmly suggested that he stop having sex with dirty girls. And if he intended to continue to the trend, to at least wear protection, for Christ’s sake!

            So yeah, thanks for allowing me to share. And for wanting to buy me a beer. Huh, all this talk of beer’s making me thirsty.

  20. I don’t know man. Throwing shoes, EMTPY beer bottles ( don’t waste beer!), furniture, and all the shit your kids promise to pick up off the floor everyday but never, ever, ever, do, is completely normal and really encouraged for a healthy relationship. But thinking Eminem is better than Rihanna; that’s seriously fucked up. You can’t heal the wrong that’s spawning crazy like that. I’m sure she is fantastic but it’s only a matter of time before the monster appears. Run.

  21. My first wife threw a handful of ink pens at me. One stuck in my forehead. We were already married. We broke up after that. Maybe that’s why Tessa and I are still together. She has muscular dystrophy and can’t throw things.

    • That’s it, Fred. Marry someone who can’t fight back. Mmm hmmm.

      But she’s in a wheelchair, right? Can’t she roll over your foot and trap you and then pummel you a bit?

  22. Hmmm oddly enough I threw shoes at my husband prior to us being married too. From time to time I time I like to remind him of how lucky he is to have me in his life by continuing to throw things at him. One year I threw a fist full of Advil because I was in the process of taking two when he made me inennxplicably mad and my hulk rage went unchecked, and then to prove my point I made him vacuum them all up. Then there was the year I threw all the clothes from the laundry basket at him and left them there on the floor. After all if I just stopped throwing shit at him how woud he know if I still cared…. he’s really such a lucky man.

  23. I agree. If you stopped throwing, he would miss it.

    BTW: I can’t comment on your blog. I keep going over there and I either can’t click on your stuff or I can’t find a “comment” link. Is this intentional, Becca? Afraid to unleash the wag?

  24. I don’t blame Angie. She’s my woman! But, seriously… I think most men are interested in women who’ve got the balls to throw stuff at you. Well, make that shoes, for if it’s a bomb, I’m prety sure even I would lose my appetite. Conversely, I’m 100% sure women hate men who throw shoes at them for they need a smaller size. So, you see, we’ve actually learned something today, Mr Dad :)

  25. I once threw porn at my husband. I was huge and pregnant with our second child and felt neglected because he chose to dink around on the computer rather than come to bed with me, so I dragged his box of Playboys out and started hucking them at him. I don’t think I actually hit him with any of them.

    I have also thrown laundry and shoes. I’ve never actually hurt him, thankfully.

    No one makes me as crazy as he does, but that’s part of the fun, right? Two kids, fifteen years together and he’s still the man of my dreams even if they are occasionally nightmares. :)

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