Yup. Wag the Dad is writing about Zombies now.
I know that everybody is doing it. I know that it’s probably going to become passé very soon, if it hasn’t already.
But you know what?
If you don’t like zombies, then you aren’t a Waggot.
Wag the Dad is going to make this THE source for zombie information. Think I can’t do it? Well, then, fuck you. I am going to get in there and just fuck the shit out of all things zombie.
And you can help. Send me all of your information and links associated with zombie-ism, and I will put that shit in there and credit you (linkbait, people, linkbait).
I will not, however, fuck the shit out of YOU. I promise.
Trust me. I DID corner the market on all there is to know about birth.
So consider this the introduction.
Zombie Survival, Part 1
Most likely, the Zombie revolution will start in one of the following 2 areas of the world:
1) the United States (if it’s an accident, like some guy ejaculates into a whirling turbine filled with guano and pig’s blood)
2) Africa (if it’s been engineered by the CIA or the IMF).
So in case it’s a masturbatory accident, Americans and Canadians are the first to go.
If the CIA does it, then most everybody except for Africans have some time to prepare.
I would say that each has about a 48% chance of happening – the remaining 4% having it start somewhere in Uzbekistan or Moscow or on the Falkland Islands.
No matter what, there is only one skill you need to learn.
Forget shooting, forget camping, forget making brain-removing devices out of tampons and condom wrappers, all you need is this one simple skill.
You need to learn to run very, very fast.
Very fucking fast.
Because zombies are slow.
They are very fucking slow.
So go out and do that. Go out and spend some time cultivating the skill of running very fucking fast.
We’ll get to weapons and survival skills later on in the series. I may mention weapons briefly today, but only lackadaisically. The weapons part of the guide will be pragmatic and succinct, because if you know what you’re doing, the only people you are going to need to kill using your weapons are going to be other people. The zombies will take care of themselves.
Did you do it? Are you really fucking fast now? Jesus Christ, hurry up.
OK. Now that you’ve done that, let me let you in on the next secret.
When the Zombie Revolution comes, run north. Or south, depending on which hemisphere you are in. You want to go to a place that is fucking cold, with a lot of ice.
What happens to zombies when they get cold?
They freeze. Very good, class. And what happens to organic matter when it freezes?
It doesn’t move.
Very good class.
Zombies are cold-blooded. They don’t have pumping hearts, right? Or do they? I suppose it’s debatable, but let’s say they’re not the kind that became zombies due to some kind of rabies-like virus. Let’s say they are actually reanimated dead people. In fact, I think the kind of zombie-like shit you find in I Am Legend is not really zombie. That’s more neo-Werewolf.
So you go someplace cold and you get inside and keep warm and eventually those marauding hordes of zombies will just freeze right where they are standing, or kneeling, or dragging, or humping (you never, ever see zombies fucking, do you? now THAT would be something).
The rest can be accomplished with a canister of gasoline and a chainsaw. Take you about an hour to cut up all those zombie popsicles into zombie pieces. By the time spring rolls around, you will have a shitload of bones you won’t need to worry about.
How do I know this is true?
Have you ever seen a zombie movie filmed in the wintertime, or in a wintry area? No. Know why? Because half the cast would be out of commission.
To sum up today’s lesson:
1) Learn to run very, very fast.
2) Go North, Young Woman.
That is All.
Wag the Dad
P.S. The inspiration for this post was provided by Jaime, It’s so Fuzzy, chemegirljaime. I have no fucking idea why she needs three names, folks. I also don’t know what to do with “Jaime”. Is that “Jamie,” “Chaimie,” “Chaim” or “Jame”?
Anyway, she rocks. She wrote a post entitled damn…..I’m fucked, which was my muse for today. Thanks Hadley!
Like all that? Of course you did. You want me to give you more, don’t you? Well, here it is baby: