Zombie Survival

zombie survival

Ha Ha Zombies! You're Fucking Dead!

Yup.  Wag the Dad is writing about Zombies now.

I know that everybody is doing it.  I know that it’s probably going to become passé very soon, if it hasn’t already.

But you know what?

If you don’t like zombies, then you aren’t a Waggot.  

Wag the Dad is going to make this THE source for zombie information.  Think I can’t do it?  Well, then, fuck you.  I am going to get in there and just fuck the shit out of all things zombie. 

And you can help.  Send me all of your information and links associated with zombie-ism, and I will put that shit in there and credit you (linkbait, people, linkbait).

I will not, however, fuck the shit out of YOU.  I promise.

Trust me.  I DID corner the market on all there is to know about birth.

So consider this the introduction.

Zombie Survival, Part 1

Most likely, the Zombie revolution will start in one of the following 2 areas of the world:

1)  the United States  (if it’s an accident, like some guy ejaculates into a whirling turbine filled with guano and pig’s blood)

or

2)  Africa (if it’s been engineered by the CIA or the IMF).

So in case it’s a masturbatory accident, Americans and Canadians are the first to go.

If the CIA does it, then most everybody except for Africans have some time to prepare.

I would say that each has about a 48% chance of happening – the remaining 4% having it start somewhere in Uzbekistan or Moscow or on the Falkland Islands.

No matter what, there is only one skill you need to learn.

Forget shooting, forget camping, forget making brain-removing devices out of tampons and condom wrappers, all you need is this one simple skill.

You need to learn to run very, very fast.

Very fucking fast.

Because zombies are slow.

Right?

They are very fucking slow.

So go out and do that.  Go out and spend some time cultivating the skill of running very fucking fast.

We’ll get to weapons and survival skills later on in the series.  I may mention weapons briefly today, but only lackadaisically.  The weapons part of the guide will be pragmatic and succinct, because if you know what you’re doing, the only people you are going to need to kill using your weapons are going to be other people.  The zombies will take care of themselves.

Did you do it?  Are you really fucking fast now?  Jesus Christ, hurry up.

OK.  Now that you’ve done that, let me let you in on the next secret.

When the Zombie Revolution comes, run north.  Or south, depending on which hemisphere you are in.  You want to go to a place that is fucking cold, with a lot of ice.

Why?

What happens to zombies when they get cold?

They freeze.  Very good, class.  And what happens to organic matter when it freezes?

It doesn’t move.

Very good class.

Zombies are cold-blooded.  They don’t have pumping hearts, right?  Or do they?  I suppose it’s debatable, but let’s say they’re not the kind that became zombies due to some kind of rabies-like virus.  Let’s say they are actually reanimated dead people.  In fact, I think the kind of zombie-like shit you find in I Am Legend is not really zombie.  That’s more neo-Werewolf.

So you go someplace cold and you get inside and keep warm and eventually those marauding hordes of zombies will just freeze right where they are standing, or kneeling, or dragging, or humping (you never, ever see zombies fucking, do you? now THAT would be something).

The rest can be accomplished with a canister of gasoline and a chainsaw.  Take you about an hour to cut up all those zombie popsicles into zombie pieces.  By the time spring rolls around, you will have a shitload of bones you won’t need to worry about.

How do I know this is true?

Have you ever seen a zombie movie filmed in the wintertime, or in a wintry area?  No.  Know why?  Because half the cast would be out of commission.

To sum up today’s lesson:

1)  Learn to run very, very fast.

2)  Go North, Young Woman.

That is All.

Sincerely Yours

Wag the Dad

P.S. The inspiration for this post was provided by Jaime, It’s so Fuzzy, chemegirljaime.  I have no fucking idea why she needs three names, folks.  I also don’t know what to do with “Jaime”.  Is that “Jamie,” “Chaimie,” “Chaim” or “Jame”?

Anyway, she rocks.  She wrote a post entitled damn…..I’m fucked, which was my muse for today.  Thanks Hadley!

Like all that?  Of course you did.  You want me to give you more, don’t you?  Well, here it is baby:

Don’t Pray For Me

Sex, Toes and Videotape

You Shouldn’t Hire Eskimos

angie uncovered versus wag the dad

Comments

  1. Wow! Thank you, as I am definitely more prepared for an average Thursday…in the event that it isn’t average at all! I have never wished for winter to come even faster to Central New York, but I am just not confident in how long I can run fast!

  2. Hahahahahahaha…. Thanks so much, and it’s Jaime…. But being as you linked me you can call me anything you want.

    I agree though… As in Zombieland.. The first rule of survival in Zombieland is cardio… The fatties went first.

    • “Jaime” as in “Jay – Me”?

      I forgot about that part in Zombieland. I KNEW I couldn’t come up with anything original. Except the Frozen North. That’s MY shit, bitches!

  3. Just avoid P-Town on October 30th. The zombies will all be downtown representin’. http://www.pdxpipeline.com/2011/10/18/portland-zombie-walk/

    • I remember you posting about this. I have told everyone I know about this. I think it is fucking the best most awesome parade ever. They should do that shit on Thanksgiving. Pilgrim and Indian zombies. They should do that shit on St. Patrick’s day. Green, drunken zombies. Cinquo de Mayo? We’d make Day of the Dead look like the Great Pumpkin episode from Charlie Brown.

  4. I love the shit outta zombies. Like, ‘Id fuck one if I knew I wouldn’t get like zombie AIDS or whatever. I mean it would be cold though….I guess I could just use some of that warming lubricating jelly (I don’t imagine zombies produce their own lubrication anyway) You think zombies can get pregnant? I should probably wear a condom either way I guess…safety first. Definitely will not receive any fellatio though….zombies tend to be a bit toothy. Wait….would that be necrophelia? What if I kill a zombie then fuck it. Like a double dead person…what would that be? Either way Im gonna get me some zombie ass one day. I’ll have a whole stable of zombie hoes. If you are feeling real freaky you could just make a new hole and fuck it..the zombie wont care…….k ima go take a shower.

    • Dude, you are scary. Well, I AM publishing “Adult Content,” so I might as well have some “Adults” reading. And commenting.

      I have to say that I have NEVER thought about sex in conjunction with zombies. Well, except for the sex that goes on between humans in zombie films, of course.

      Isn’t there a zombie stripper movie out there, though?

      OK, now I have to watch that. Just to see if it’s a fetish I might be into.
      Now wouldn’t THAT be pretty. Latex zombie uniforms. Yum.

      • Hell yea…”Zombie Strippers” is the shit!! I masturbate to it regularly……. Ok I’m lyin…I’ve never even seen it…..I just said that so you would think I’m cool. *head hanging low* I’m gonna go home now and play with my cat.

        • Just saying that shit DOES make you cool because my pussy brain doesn’t have the balls to think of the crazy you’re laying down.

          • You seem like an intelligent man Raymond…I shall save a zombie whore for you. You are welcome……

            P.S Everyone has the crazy in them, you just need to find it….embrace it…then ass rape it because its an asshole and it makes you do weird shit to kittens…I never penetrate them but they always end up smellinng like my balls.

            P.P.S. I dont really rub kittens on my balls…….not anymore anyway. kittens have sharp claws

  5. Zombie movie taking place in a wintry area – Dead Snow. And they’re even NAZI Zombies.

  6. Since I’m in Southern California, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to try running really fast for 1000 miles until I hit cold weather.

    I’mma be on a boat. See ya later.

    • You could go wayyy out into the desert, though. How long does it take for a body to desiccate in the desert? Is desiccate a word?

      Think about it. If they won’t just freeze solid, then eventually they have to dry out and turn to powder.

      And you wouldn’t have to run the 1000 miles straight through. You could run a little, rest a lot, run a little, rest a lot. I figure zombies are about half as fast as my lazy kids, which means that I could run 30 seconds and then rest for like fifeen minutes.

      That’s the kind of training I recommend.

      • Desiccate is totally a word, but it’s also a very slow process. In other words, it’s more likely to affect you than the zombies who don’t need to drink water. Think about it. You ever seen a zombie drink water? OF COURSE NOT.

        Also, I don’t want to be running away from zombies and stop to rest, then discover the resting place has zombies. Watch the movies — happens every time. That’s the advantage of a boat — you can sit on the top and see for miles around.

  7. I don’t think you need to run really, really fast…just faster than the otehrs surrounding you. I’d learn to run and trip – give ‘em a treat while you find the exit!!

    • A very good point, one I totally forgot.

      Yes, you only have to be faster than the slowest person. Or at least run faster than the slowest person. You should be faster than the fastest person but pace yourself according to who’s still running.

  8. I dont get it though. Frozen zombies isn’t going to save anyone. It’s just a matter of time before they thaw out due to global warming. What about killing the undead? According to my zombie resource (plants vs zombies) zombies are actually controlled by a little mad scientist. Is this true?

    • Dude. Global warming is a PROCESS which takes TIME. I didn’t say “flee to the north, wait for the zombies to freeze and then IGNORE them and oops they thawed out and oops now you’re dead.”

      No. What I said was “flee to the north, wait for the zombies to freeze and then DISPOSE of them with fire or chainsaw.”

      And I don’t believe in global warming.

      And no, plants vs. zombies is totally made up. It’s a computer game, you moron.

  9. Are you going to be putting this into some kind of spiral handbook? Should I send you my address right now?

    • I very well might. I was thinking about writing a book about fathering, or a series of books about fathering, entitled something like “Wag the Dad: Fathering in the First Year” and “Wag the Dad: How to Get Them To Shit Where They’re Supposed To,” but I think that a book about zombies would be something new and would sell like hotcakes.

      Which apparently sell much faster than their colder cousins, the normal cakes.

  10. Ok so the best point so far comes from Andi – your no-zombies-in-the-snow theory has been shot down Shane, but what about swimming zombies?? Boats are ok, but contain a finite supply of food/beer/porn. How about an island??? Living in England gives me a head start here I feel…. if it worked to keep the Nazi’s out, it should work against zombies, right? Or even Nazi Zombies.
    I hope so, because although I’m slim and fairly fit, I’m inherently lazy, too. Sitting on the clifftops with a sniper rifle and a six pack suits me fine…….

    • All I have to say is 28 Days Later, 28 Weeks Later, Shawn of the Dead. Zombies are in England, too, my friend. Sorreeee. How did they get there?

      What about the Tunnel? Don’t you think that the zombies eventually will figure that out?

      Islands are a good idea, and to tell you the truth, I thought about that. You never see zombies swimming. I mean, it’s not like they would drown or anything, either, but you never SEE that. Unless you count those skeletal pirates in Pirates of the Caribbean, right?

      So, Zombie Island (which I think is a film, but the zombies were apparently born there)….

      Anyway, give me a second life, a few years and a shitload of Scotch, and I’ll probably come up with something better than the snow theory. It only took me about two minutes to come up with that shit. Think what I can do with two days or so.

  11. Check out runforyourlives.com It’s a 5K Obstacle course that is held all over the country and at different times. The twist? Competitors are chased by ZOMBIES!

  12. I feel like a zombie apocalypse is a really good excuse to have a stockpile of chocolate, and hoard hairspray and lighters, because not only do you never know when you might need a flamethrower, but we can also make s’mores for sustenance.

    Now I am so glad I moved to Calgary, there is tons of sun (anti vampire) and lots of cold. I’m still stockpiling though, just in case.

  13. Depending on your zombies, I think remote islands may be a safe bet too. Preferably one well stocked with booze and drink umbrellas.

  14. God, Shane. You are so last year. Everyone knows that Mummies are the new Zombie.

    I will never run fast. I actually have dreams of people chasing me and me not being able to run fast at all, and then I wake up and realize, yep . . . still fat and slow. Pass the corn chips.

    I’m gonna need to stock up on tampons and condom wrappers is what you’re saying? Check.

    Plus, I despise the cold. I’m with Andi . . . boat all the way. Have you ever seen a Zombie swim? Or maybe it would be swamble? Either way, I don’t think they would be faster than a boat. Hey Andi, got room for one more? I’ll bring supplies (what can I bring you since you are now banned from all enjoyable injestible items? What if I bring weaponry, yes?).

    • But think about this: zombies always make machines stop working, make you run out of gas, and whatever. I’m still not so sold on the boat idea, and as social assassin has already mentioned, boats have a finite amount of supplies. Eventually you have to dock somewhere.

      Maybe a cold island?

      Fuck, I hate the cold, too.

      Bring weapons, though. Although you may have to reconsider the hairspray flame thrower. Were you thinking of killing cockroach zombies? We’re talking about people zombies.

      And mummies? Be careful, there are Englishmen on here. You wouldn’t want to offend their mothers.

    • I’ll take payment in sugar cookies. And ammo. Lots and lots of ammo. For the necessary resupply moments.

      I’m pretty sure oceangoing zombies get nibbled to death by fish and crustaceans and the like. Pretty sure.

  15. I really like Elizabeth’s idea of some sort of notebook. Probably should laminate it, though. Getting blood spatter off of paper is probably impossible. Just finished watching episode 1 of The Walking Dead. Almost barfed. And since I don’t run, I should probably invest in a segway. Surely those are faster than zombies, no?

    • The Walking Dead is the shit of all zombie shit. No matter what the purists will say about Romero and all of that. Segways are most likely faster than zombies, but I knew a guy who really fucked himself up riding a segway. You could totally crash and burn and be lying there with multiple fractures and that would really suck.

      Lamination, check. Spiralled, check.

  16. I am so glad I didn’t write about zombies now. You don’t have to actually be really fucking fast. You just have to be faster than the slowest dumb ass in your group. :)

  17. According to the children’s author, Adam Rex, in his seminal work on all things monstrous, “Frankenstein Makes a Sandwhich,” all one needs to do is fashion hats out of food for protection. The reasoning goes that zombies only eat brains and thus, covering your head in a cabbage hat (Rex uses carrot, but really, my head’s adult-sized) would throw off the zombies.

    Thank me later when you’re not fucking the shit out of me.

    PS–I called you Waggles recently. What do you think? Cute pet name or condescending bullshit? I like it. It brings us closer.

    • Hmm. I will have to check out that book.

      I like Waggles. Though it reminds me of “Fraggle” and I’m not sure how that makes me feel.

      “Thank me later when you’re not fucking the shit out of me” turns me on though. A little. Don’t tell my wife.

      You may continue to call me Waggles.

  18. ZOMBIES always equal cracked.com for me. So here is my linky link contribution http://www.cracked.com/search/search.php?sa=search&q=zombie

    Enjoy!

    My favourite article of all time on zombies is this one -> http://www.cracked.com/blog/8-zombie-apocalypse-survival-strategies-for-zombies/ <- READ IT.

  19. I have cracked Plants Verses Zombies on my iphone like 4 times. I can’t get enough of that shit. And the little dancing smiley sunflowers don’t even piss me off. Does that count? Or just make me really douchey?

    • About as douchey as me, Bex, because I have cracked that shit, too, and the smiley sunflowers make me feel good all the time. If you could order prints (and they probably do, I’m just too lazy to look) of Plants v. Zombies, I would decorate my house with that shit.

      So. If you think that’s douchey, then you are, too, because I just tied the two of us together like some kind of global currency being linked to another global currency.

      Or something.

  20. I have thought about this extensively. My conclusion: I will be of the first to die, and this is 100% because I run at the speed of sloth embryos. I am the slowest fucking bitch ever, and, even when I TRIED to like running, and did it regularly, I still sucked. So, I’m fucked. However, depending upon which Zombie flick you watch– some are slow and some are fast. I’m thinking of 28 Days Later. Those fuckers were fast as shit– were they Zombies?
    I didn’t think of the cold thing, though. I think that’s brilliant. I’ll go to fucking Canada and live in an igloo. Do they have igloos there? I would imagine I could make one.
    Do you get The Walking Dead there? Please say you do.

    • You know, I think the 28 Days Later things went down in the collective memory as zombies, but I believe they were actually human beings infested with some kind of rabies-like virus. right?

      So no, zombies are fucking walking dead people. They are slow. And I am sure that you are faster than one of those people who rides around on the big pallet mover at wal-mart because they’re “handicapped,” i.e. too fat to walk.

      I get the Walking Dead here, milady. Yes, I most certainly do.

  21. You know, it’s so funny that you should write this. My hubs and I were talking last night about how we want to live in Alaska when the zombie apocalypse happens. You know it’s going to, the US probably has that shit growing in a lab somewhere.

  22. ok So I guess the general consensus is that no one remembers the Resident Evil movies. Zombies are everywhere. They eat whatever part of your flesh they can grab and they are motherfucking everywhere.

    In the desert it was zombie crows and a few out posters who were holed up in a deserted motel. The zombie crows happened from eating the dead flesh hence they became infected. I also say we should be on a boat in the middle of no where but to each his own stupid boat because if a flying animal made it that far out and bit you there goes your safe haven.

    Also? if a zombie was in the water and say a shark nibbled on a smaller fish that nibbled on zombie flesh he would become infected and there you would have a man eating machine like Jaws always chomping at your boat to get you. So not sure the boat is the best way to go. I kind of like the idea of somewhere so cold that Zombies can’t survive.

    Like Antarctica. The only thing we would have to worry about is penguins. Maybe. but even so if we were equipped right we could end penguin existence and therefor keep tabs on the rest of the world and we would know when its safe to go back home. Hopefully before both Polar icecaps melt and we are left in zombie infested waters.

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